Kat Drennan Author

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When your parents fail to thrive…

July 15, 2023 by Kat Drennan Leave a Comment

Sam's Seafood, Long Beach, California, 1957
Betty, with her classic fingers-at-her-neck pose, waves at the camera.

As busy adults, nothing is more comforting than to know your parents are strong, vital, and running their lives on their own, living out their retirement dreams. It’s easy to believe they are okay because that’s what we want to believe. They are keeping themselves clean, fed, and housed. They have friends, social connections, pride in their surroundings, and happily recount their stories to you during your weekly phone call. They drive, they fly, they cruise… and then suddenly, they don’t.  There are no new stories, only repeated old ones. We notice weight loss, cognitive decline, inactivity, depression. We tell ourselves they are in a slump, maybe they have  a bad cold, or, heaven forbid, pneumonia. Because, of course, they’ll snap out of it, right? But what if they don’t?

How do we know if our parents are failing to thrive? When do we step in? How far? You’ve spent a lifetime respecting their opinions, listening to their advice (even if you didn’t take it), and expecting them to take care of themselves, because that’s what they’ve always done and been pretty damn good at it. But what if all that stops? You could be looking at the onset of cognitive decline. How can you tell? People with dementia are good at hiding the truth, especially if they have money to pay for services that if not performed, would otherwise give them away (the landscape is maintained, the house is cleaned, the bills are on auto pay). If you don’t live in the same town, it may be hard to tell what’s really going on, and your parent doesn’t want to worry you with the details.

If you are that perfect child, more aware than me, more present, more connected, more able to read the signs, a better daughter (yes, I’m still beating myself up), you saw it coming in time to head off the inevitable “implosion.” You took steps to ensure the quality of your parent’s life the way they did for you when you were a child. I bow to your strength and conviction, presence of mind, and absence of denial.

The truth is, most of us are not that perfect child. By the time our parents hit their 70s and 80s, we have kids (and grand kids) of our own. Maybe, for the first time in our lives, we are retired from a career, and once again responsible only for ourselves.  Hooray!  Free at last! My parents don’t need me. They’re doing just fine. (Maybe they are. Lucky for you.)

Or maybe your parent wasn’t the one you went to for advice. Maybe they gave you your deepest wounds. Maybe they should never have become parents at all, or maybe when you see your mom struggle, memories steeped in abandonment or neglect render you paralyzed. Yet here you are, aching for her suffering, because, dammit, she’s your mother and your bond was sealed in her womb.

Then comes the unexpected call from a hospital social worker, and you life changes forever. Mom (or dad) can’t go home alone.

The Goddess of Undo
A mother daughter story about the conditions of unconditional love.

I wrote the Goddess of Undo two years after my mother’s death because the triple loss of her (first as a child, next to dementia, and finally to ash) was so devastating I could hardly speak, let alone write about the experience. In the end, I had to fictionalize the story because the truth was too painful and too personal to experience over and over the way you must do as an author to write the best book you can. So, Betty, her daughter, Evie, and their stories are very close to our story, but also a composite of others I have met while researching this book, which allowed me the distance I needed to navigate the creation of their emotional journey.

When I first released the book, I opted for a generic cover I thought would appeal to a wide audience of women. And, the book has done well, winning awards and five-star reviews. In the years since it was published, I’ve developed thicker skin and a stronger backbone. The cover for re-release has been updated with an actual, personal photo of my mother and I—the only photo I have that gives me a sense that once, we belonged to each other. It might not be what a traditional publisher would recommend, but it is authentic and truly represents that thing we all long for from our mothers, even if they are incapable of reciprocating.

If you or someone you know is experiencing the decline of a parent, it is important to know 1) they are still in there, somewhere, 2) they are still your parent, and 3) they need you more than you know.

The Goddess of Undo is available in paperback and on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited.

TGIO – Out of the Ashes: HOPE for 2018

December 30, 2017 by Kat Drennan 2 Comments

2017 – A year of breaking records

A worldwide Women’s March in January, record-breaking high temperatures and continued drought, Hurricane Harvey, California wildfires–no one can deny 2017 gave us more biggests, worsts, and OMGs than I have the heart to list here. Suffice to say the country was hit with a boatload of pain from stem to stern this year. My heart went out to all those affected by mega tragedy, but nothing prepares you–NO THING–for the day disaster lands on your own doorstep.

The Thomas Fire

Thomas Fire from Reyes Peak
Seen from Reyes Peak, it seemed impossible that this fire could be at our door before morning.

On December 6th, two days after this monster fire raced down the “other side of the mountain” through Santa Paula and on to Ventura, the raging inferno switched direction and bore impossibly down on our little town of Ojai.

Thomas fire
A menacing glow less than one mile away, its path determined by capricious wind.

We packed our van with important documents, a few necessities (Hunky Boy’s surfboard among them), and the dog and cat, respirators failing miserably to keep the smoke from burning our throats, and  took one last look as flames consumed the drought-dry hillsides near our home, and wondered what if anything would be standing when we returned.

We spent two days away as it was near impossible to breathe, but found it less stressful to stay close by, the anxiety of watching the fire from afar too much to bear. Each time we left, we took away less “stuff”. Somehow it just wasn’t important anymore.

In the end, our home was spared, but far too many of our neighbors lost theirs, subject only to the capricious wind.

Eighteen days later, The Thomas Fire, named for the St. Thomas Acquinas College in the hills between Ojai and Santa Paula, would become the largest wildfire in California history, burning more than 280,000 acres.

Out of the Ashes

It hardly seems fitting to announce the release of the second book in my A Classic Car Romance series, the event I had planned to celebrate in this last blog of the year.  However, ONE OF A KIND was released, despite having lost power, being evacuated and returning to a changed landscape. Ironically, much of the setting depicted in this series–the hills of Ojai and along beaches from Ventura to Santa Barbara, the majestic mansions of Montecito, California–have been turned to ash and stone.

Out of the ashes
This overlook on the Casitas Pass–the setting for the “black moment” in ONE OF A KIND–gives new meaning to the literary term. Obviously, a popular drinking spot.

 

November is coming.

October 27, 2016 by Kat Drennan Leave a Comment

You know that October feeling.  November is around the corner. It’s your turn to put on the dreaded Thanksgiving Dinner and you’ve been afraid to open your refrigerator for weeks.  And, if you’re a writer and can’t help yourself, November 1st is the start of the dreaded National Write a Novel in a Month campaign, otherwise known as NaNoWriMo.  Both inspire a particular emotion: FEAR.

On the refrigerator front, I’m not just talking the occasional science experiment shoved to the back of the shelf, or The Madonna stalactite spanning three shelves in the freezer, call up People Magazine  and the Pope kind of fear. I’m talking can’t cram another thing in, night of the living dead, get out the fire hose, finding your grandmother’s upper teeth in a microwave-blistered piece of Tupperware, never want to go into the kitchen again of terror.

[Come on, peeps, you know who your are!]

dirty-fridge1-225x300
An authors NaNoWriMo refrigerator, fast food utopia.

Sort of like opening up that novel manuscript you wrote last November during NaNoWriMo.  Fifty thousand words in a month, no internal editor, no order, no throwing s#it out?   This refrigerator looks the cleaning day at Martha Stewart’s compared to the one I drafted.

I have a confession to make: I…sort of…like to clean out refrigerators. There’s something satisfying about throwing out old food, pulling out all the drawers to see what’s really, really there, shifting shelves, buying shiny new containers, and finding grandmother’s teeth. In fact, I had the pleasure to clean the refrigerator  for a friend last month as a special treat to help her recover from shoulder replacement surgery. (It’s a lot easier to throw out other people’s food than it is your own, by the way…hum, let’s see, maybe I can cut that mold off the cheese and use it in a quesadilla? Um, no.)

My last year’s Nano Novel, One of a Kind, inspired by the infamous Little Bastard of James Dean fame,  is almost complete. Yes, I did have to throw some s#it out, and use the fire hose.  But, damn, it’s a fun read and I’m proud of it and I can’t wait to share it.

You can catch a sneak peak over in the book tab under Coming Soon.

unnamed

PS: I am taking reservations for refrigerator cleaning appointments.  All expenses paid, and bonus trip to Kauai in advance, please.

Summer’s Over? No way.

September 1, 2016 by Kat Drennan Leave a Comment

Yes way.  And what a summer it was.

My summer kicked off with the Romance Writers of America Conference in one of my favorite cities in the universe, beautiful San Diego.  Can’t believe it was nearly two months ago.  Here’s what I learned: You can’t implement everything you learn at Conference in a few short weeks.  But here’s what I did do:

Hood RiveFredandtinaRode more than 200 miles on a bicycle trip to three volcanoes in the Cascade Range: Mt. Rainier, Mt. St. Helens, and Mt. Hood. (Okay, some of the group rode 400, but who’s counting?) Here are Hunky Boy and me on a bike trail above the Hood River.  Okay.  I look pretty buff in this picture, but have to admit, this trip was way out of my comfort zone. The hill after this picture was taken kicked my bu#, and I was in the van 25 miles later. Fortunately, there was a roadside fruit stand where I ate my weight in plump, juicy Washington red cherries which revived my spirit and energy. Not sure I would recommend that approach though.

Rainier hike

Hiked six miles from the Paradise Lodge to the shoulders of Mt. Rainier. It’s difficult to judge the size of the mountain in a picture, but imagine the real story that lurks behind that story idea you had while eating breakfast. Yes, that big. And magnificent. Even more difficult to judge the size of the steak I tried to eat for dinner that night.  I was not successful, thank goodness.

rustybike

The best things about getting out of your comfort zone, whether it’s taking a trip that pushes your boundaries or starting a new writing project, are the wonderful surprises you find along the way. Along with this fabulous rusty bike, there was a very large Monte Cristo sandwich in my future. It was the last day, so…yes. I ate the whole thing. I also ate a salad, Lisa. And some fruit.

Be Stronger than your Excuses.

Speaking of Lisa, did I mention I decided to go ahead and take Lisa Siefert’s “Be Stronger than your Excuses” 30 day challenge while on this trip? (Lisa Siefert, a fellow member of RWA Chapter, Contemporary Romance Writers, was the one who got me up a 6 a.m. at conference to try my hand and Zumba for the first time.) It was easy to meet the exercise challenge on my volcano trip. The guides from Bicycle Adventures kept parking the van further and further away from my starting point. But  I wasn’t entirely successful. You might think you’d lose weight riding your bike more than 40 miles a day for a solid week, but, uh, no.  Those rides turn you into an eating monster that would put a teenage Sumo wrestler to shame. Yes, I gained five pounds. Probably all muscle. In fact, I’m sure of it.

I did manage to crank out several new chapters in my WIP while on the road.  So I’m happy.  Behind, but working hard to meet the ambitious writing plan I developed in San Diego.

There are still four more fitness/writing challenges in Lisa’s series by the way. If you want to learn how to be Fit and Wordy, you really need to check out Lisa Siefert’s site. It is truly amazing.

Finally, I launched my new website, Katdrennanbooks.com. At first blush, it looks like my old one, but the back end is a real, grown up site that offers much more in the way of actually working and leaving room to grow.  Also, if you want to join my Street Team, you can sign up for my newsletter and get advance notice of promos, specials, and new releases.  Just look for the Elvis in the House short story cover in the right hand column.  Hope to see you on my list!

 

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